Sometimes life can be so difficult. Seems like it can be like that in a good way, too. Right now, I feel that God is testing my every ounce of patience and it hurts. It hurts so much so that I cried myself to sleep last night, or rather this morning as I lay tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking can be a dangerous thing for me - my mind gets away with things that I don't even WANT to think about and then it just turns bad. Luckily, no nightmares out of this thinking episode! I did wake with a start this morning, as I have for the past few mornings, earlier than expected. Funny when you go to bed around 2:30am and then wake up around 8:30am wondering what is going on?! I had an alarm set for 9:45, which also woke me up, but since I was awake an hour prior, was so tired I went back to sleep. Waking up at 11 today gave me roughly 8 hours of sleep - awake and up and functioning, but groggy-feeling nonetheless.
Anywho, back to the original topic - I have wanted a baby for SO long now, I can't even remember when I first thought so hard about it. And now, I keep seeing everyone around me having babies or being pregnant or finding out they're pregnant and a little part of me aches. With each announcement, I ache a little more. First it was Jaime, then Sarah, then Brittney, then Beth found out she was pregnant with baby #2 (they've been married a DAY longer than us...), several from church - one right after the other - then Saharh and now Mariah! She and Marcus have only been married 2 months!! Agh! I couldn't imagine! I mean, as badly as I want a child, I'm SO glad we've had time to spend together and really get to know and love one another!!!!
I'm pretty sure this is God's way of testing my faith and patience, but WOW what a way to do it! Here's all your friends and all their babies and pregnancies and radiant, glowing happiness - take that! Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for all of them, just want one of my own SO bad!!! I know that everything is in His more than capable hands, but I am SO eager and SO jealous and SO impatient! :(
God, please, I'm on my face, prostrate before You, begging You, please - give me Your patience, Your love, Your understanding, Your guidance, Your will. Help me grasp the depths of all this...I can not do it alone. It hurts so bad, the tears I can't suppress, the pain I just can't hide. I love You and am so amazingly deep in love with Perry, words just can not describe.
Kim~ I am so sorry hun!! I didn't realize you guys had been trying...we tried to almost a year for Landon but with the girls we weren't even thinking about it. I suffered through a miscarriage before we got our Ms.Bryleigh and that was really tough! How long have you been trying? It took 6 rounds of Clomid for us to get Landon! I am going to add you to ou prayer list at church, and most def. keep you in my prayers. It can be tough but God has a plan for you even if you can't see the path yet he will guide you!!! Have faith girly, and keep trying!!! Good Luck and Lots of Love!!!
ReplyDeleteMandy Hays
Kim,
ReplyDeleteHey Girl, Sorry your feeling so down and depressed about having a baby, but you have the Faith in God now you need to let Him work in your life. Dave and I married when I was just 17 still in High School,(11th grade) every one thought that the reason we got married was because I WAS pregnant but to their surprise I wasn't, we were in love and after I graduated I was just like you are now, I prayed constantly to get pregnant, all our friends had kids, I babysat all of them and they were kinda like mine (during the day) but it was 8 yrs. before I got pregnant and had Jessica and when she was 2 1/2 - 3 we started trying for a second but it was 6 yrs. before our son William came along. Even though they are 6 yrs. apart they are extremely close to each other and very protective of each other. And I could not ask for 2 better kids! Jessica is fixin to be 21 on the 26th of this month, she's a full time student at Jones Junior College and will transfer to USM when she's done. She's involved at the BSU and loves to do missionary work, the first trip was to Moldova (for 2 mnths.), in fact she just got home yesterday from her 2nd trip in Chicago (she was gone 3 mnths) it drives me crazy when she's away like that but I know she's doing God's work so I know he'll protect her. My son is 15 starting his first yr in high school, he's on the Forensics team and doing great, he starts school tomorrow and can't wait. But my point is, God chose the timing for us to have children just as he will for you and Perry. All of our friends that had kids before us are grandparents now and their kids are going thru divorces, on drugs, in jail, etc. but us, our kids are growing up with us and doing great in everything and we are very close to them and we always know where they are, who they're with, etc. so you see if you just relax and let God work and put your mind at ease it will happen, and it will happen when you least exspect it. But try not to be disgruntle about your friends and everyone around you being pregnant just try to focus on something else, maybe start a new hobby or some little project that will keep you busy for several hrs. to where you won't have time to be around pregnant people (not meaning that in a bad way) but if your not around them and your working on a project then it will help keep you at ease and from thinking about it all the time. You could even get Perry to do something with you and make it a weekly thing. But I totally understand where your coming from and how you feel, but you said you put it in God's hands and well that's all you can do so let it go and don't worry, it'll happen! In the mean time you and Perry can have oh so much fun practicing, and practicing, and .... well you get my point, right?!. But I will be praying for you and I know you and Perry will ne great parents! love ya girl so take care ok. you can email me anytime at pipersmith45@att.net. later.
Tina Smith