Sometimes life can be so difficult. Seems like it can be like that in a good way, too. Right now, I feel that God is testing my every ounce of patience and it hurts. It hurts so much so that I cried myself to sleep last night, or rather this morning as I lay tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking can be a dangerous thing for me - my mind gets away with things that I don't even WANT to think about and then it just turns bad. Luckily, no nightmares out of this thinking episode! I did wake with a start this morning, as I have for the past few mornings, earlier than expected. Funny when you go to bed around 2:30am and then wake up around 8:30am wondering what is going on?! I had an alarm set for 9:45, which also woke me up, but since I was awake an hour prior, was so tired I went back to sleep. Waking up at 11 today gave me roughly 8 hours of sleep - awake and up and functioning, but groggy-feeling nonetheless.
Anywho, back to the original topic - I have wanted a baby for SO long now, I can't even remember when I first thought so hard about it. And now, I keep seeing everyone around me having babies or being pregnant or finding out they're pregnant and a little part of me aches. With each announcement, I ache a little more. First it was Jaime, then Sarah, then Brittney, then Beth found out she was pregnant with baby #2 (they've been married a DAY longer than us...), several from church - one right after the other - then Saharh and now Mariah! She and Marcus have only been married 2 months!! Agh! I couldn't imagine! I mean, as badly as I want a child, I'm SO glad we've had time to spend together and really get to know and love one another!!!!
I'm pretty sure this is God's way of testing my faith and patience, but WOW what a way to do it! Here's all your friends and all their babies and pregnancies and radiant, glowing happiness - take that! Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for all of them, just want one of my own SO bad!!! I know that everything is in His more than capable hands, but I am SO eager and SO jealous and SO impatient! :(
God, please, I'm on my face, prostrate before You, begging You, please - give me Your patience, Your love, Your understanding, Your guidance, Your will. Help me grasp the depths of all this...I can not do it alone. It hurts so bad, the tears I can't suppress, the pain I just can't hide. I love You and am so amazingly deep in love with Perry, words just can not describe.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Life, jobs, future
So many things have been happening lately - so many doors God has opened...some He opens wide and allows me to walk right through, others He cracks open so that I can push it and follow Him. I'm having quite a struggle with knowing which doors are there just to see if I will open them and which ones are truly there for me to push open and run through! God has blessed me with so many amazing people in my life: friends, family, acquaintances, etc. and each of them has placed a grain of themselves in me. Some of them have been just the words I needed to help determine which doors are right and wrong... Right now, however, the doors are all in my face with no one person to help guide me through.
My thoughts and plans, lately, have been on our future as a family. I've tried to do what I can do help prepare for that most marvelous day, but it only seems to be slipping away, slowly. I know that we will be blessed with a family when the timing is right, but I am SOOO impatient! Especially with my step-sister, Jaime, due in a few weeks...my manager at TCBY is having his tomorrow...and now both of my chiildhood best friends are both pregnant and due this Fall! When will it be my time? When, God, will I be a mother? Why can't I be patient and not so depressed when I think of others?
Yet another opportunity has been brought to my attention - first as a small conversation between me and a friend...later brought back to my attention by my husband. I greatly appreciate and value Perry's opinion and when he thinks I should "really consider" an opportunity, I take that deeply to heart! What is this opportunity? To start a small, from-home business with my dear friend, Saharh. As wonderful and amazing as it sounds, I don't want to step on her toes or try to tweek the business ideas to fit me...it was her idea to start with. I want so badly for her to accept me and accept me as a business partner and I honestly have no idea why she wouldn't - I just have an uneasy feeling that I would be disrupting something she already has/had planned. That's the part of my personality that tends to bother me on occasions like this: the fact that I run feverishly in the other direction of conflict AND the fact that I rely so heavily on the approval of others!! Grrr!!! What to do?! What to do?! Thankfully, Saharh and I are going to lunch on Thursday and will hopefully get a lot of this uneasiness resolved.
My thoughts and plans, lately, have been on our future as a family. I've tried to do what I can do help prepare for that most marvelous day, but it only seems to be slipping away, slowly. I know that we will be blessed with a family when the timing is right, but I am SOOO impatient! Especially with my step-sister, Jaime, due in a few weeks...my manager at TCBY is having his tomorrow...and now both of my chiildhood best friends are both pregnant and due this Fall! When will it be my time? When, God, will I be a mother? Why can't I be patient and not so depressed when I think of others?
Yet another opportunity has been brought to my attention - first as a small conversation between me and a friend...later brought back to my attention by my husband. I greatly appreciate and value Perry's opinion and when he thinks I should "really consider" an opportunity, I take that deeply to heart! What is this opportunity? To start a small, from-home business with my dear friend, Saharh. As wonderful and amazing as it sounds, I don't want to step on her toes or try to tweek the business ideas to fit me...it was her idea to start with. I want so badly for her to accept me and accept me as a business partner and I honestly have no idea why she wouldn't - I just have an uneasy feeling that I would be disrupting something she already has/had planned. That's the part of my personality that tends to bother me on occasions like this: the fact that I run feverishly in the other direction of conflict AND the fact that I rely so heavily on the approval of others!! Grrr!!! What to do?! What to do?! Thankfully, Saharh and I are going to lunch on Thursday and will hopefully get a lot of this uneasiness resolved.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Remembering
Last week, on December 30th, we buried my grandmother, Doris Lorraine (Davis) Reichard Loney, on what would have been her 80th birthday. Grandma died around 2pm EST on Christmas Eve. It was heart-wrenching...yet God gave me a peace that I've never known or felt before. She has had Parkinson's disease since 1983 (as long as I've been alive) and have had Alzeheimer's for several years now also. It is always hard when a loved one passes, but even harder when you are close. My dad's dad died in 1990 or so, when I was very young and barely remember. An aunt and cousin died in 2002 - aunt from cancer and cousin from car crash. None of those I remember being as painful, yet not, as Grandma's passing 2 weeks ago.
When my Aunt Jennie died, I barely shed a tear. When my cousin, Aaron, died the very next month, I cried like a baby! My dad was upset and didn't understand why I cried over Aaron and not Aunt Jennie. I told him that I knew that Aunt Jennie was saved and that I would get to see her again and I know that because of her cancer, she was in Heaven and feeling so much better! When Aaron died, I didn't know if he was saved and I felt a connection to him. It hurt and hurts still because I'm not sure if I'll get to see him again. At Grandma's funeral last week, I cried so hard - but it wasn't tears of sadness or pain, it was tears of joy and rememberance for the wonderful woman I had grown up with and had so many wonderful memories with! I am not sure, in my mind, whether I will see her again in Heaven, yet, at the same time, I feel a peace in my heart that only God could place there.
I decided to wait a week to write this blog, after time had settled a little and emotions had softened. This blog is about remembering. Remembering the good times shared with family. Remembering the adventures, both at home and in other states. Remembering the pancakes with red hots, decorating sugar cookies, "snackies", playing cards, painting the ceramics that Grandma made. All those wonderful memories!! Not to mention the fun in Florida!! The bike rides, the Greek food, the Pier, "the pink hotel", pancakes on Saturday mornings at the pancake house! Oh the fun!
We love you, Grandma, and always will! Thank you for all the memories and fun! Can't wait to see you again someday!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
When my Aunt Jennie died, I barely shed a tear. When my cousin, Aaron, died the very next month, I cried like a baby! My dad was upset and didn't understand why I cried over Aaron and not Aunt Jennie. I told him that I knew that Aunt Jennie was saved and that I would get to see her again and I know that because of her cancer, she was in Heaven and feeling so much better! When Aaron died, I didn't know if he was saved and I felt a connection to him. It hurt and hurts still because I'm not sure if I'll get to see him again. At Grandma's funeral last week, I cried so hard - but it wasn't tears of sadness or pain, it was tears of joy and rememberance for the wonderful woman I had grown up with and had so many wonderful memories with! I am not sure, in my mind, whether I will see her again in Heaven, yet, at the same time, I feel a peace in my heart that only God could place there.
I decided to wait a week to write this blog, after time had settled a little and emotions had softened. This blog is about remembering. Remembering the good times shared with family. Remembering the adventures, both at home and in other states. Remembering the pancakes with red hots, decorating sugar cookies, "snackies", playing cards, painting the ceramics that Grandma made. All those wonderful memories!! Not to mention the fun in Florida!! The bike rides, the Greek food, the Pier, "the pink hotel", pancakes on Saturday mornings at the pancake house! Oh the fun!
We love you, Grandma, and always will! Thank you for all the memories and fun! Can't wait to see you again someday!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Monday, December 21, 2009
Home sweet home
So today I had to work from 9:30-3...pretty short day, but tiring none-the-less. When I came home, I knew Perry would be asleep because he worked last night then went straight to a Christmas program at a church in Calera with our friends, Heath and Stacy (their son, Branton, was in the program). I was expecting to walk in, be happily greeted by Lil Bit, as usual, and come curl up in bed next to Perry for a nice Sunday afternoon nap. However, when I came into the room, after being greeted by the dog, I noticed there was something on my side of the bed. A bouquet of gorgeous roses, a huge box of chocolates and the most lovely card!! My first thought - Christmas is Friday, silly!! As I read the card, I became teary-eyed. It was one of the very sweetest cards I've ever read. I will definitely keep this one and read it often :) It reads:
Since I met you, all I can think about is making you happy. I want to see your smile and hear your laughter. I want to kiss away old hurts and hold you until you know without a doubt that this is for real... I want to memorize the sound of your voice and the dreams of your heart. More than anything else, I want to make you happier than you've ever been before, and give you all the things that you truly deserve. Then he wrote: This card can NOT begin to summarize the feelings I have for you. Its important to me that you know that I am blessed to be your husband and with everything that has been going on lately I don't feel like I have shown that to you. You have a solid shoulder and are a true woman of God. You have kept me on my feet with everything that has been an obstacle in front of me, and I want you to know that I deeply love and adore you with everything that I have. Love, Perry
Makes me melt and feel those warm-fuzzies all over again!! :) I am so happy and so loved and so blessed!
Since I met you, all I can think about is making you happy. I want to see your smile and hear your laughter. I want to kiss away old hurts and hold you until you know without a doubt that this is for real... I want to memorize the sound of your voice and the dreams of your heart. More than anything else, I want to make you happier than you've ever been before, and give you all the things that you truly deserve. Then he wrote: This card can NOT begin to summarize the feelings I have for you. Its important to me that you know that I am blessed to be your husband and with everything that has been going on lately I don't feel like I have shown that to you. You have a solid shoulder and are a true woman of God. You have kept me on my feet with everything that has been an obstacle in front of me, and I want you to know that I deeply love and adore you with everything that I have. Love, Perry
Makes me melt and feel those warm-fuzzies all over again!! :) I am so happy and so loved and so blessed!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Surprise vacation
So this past week(end) Perry and I went up to Indiana to visit my family. Mom knew we were coming, but it was a surprise for my sister, Stephanie. We were only going to get 3 days originally, but through some freakiness, we both got 5 days off work and were able to head up there Wednesday morning. Perry got off work at 8 that morning and we headed up as soon as he got home and ready. Mom had already planned to have beef stew and biscuits for dinner and we had it planned out just right so that the stew would be ready just as we were getting there and Chuck would have to get something from the basement so that my sister would have to be the one to answer the door. Unfortunately, SEVERAL bathroom breaks delayed our arrival and we got there as they were finishing dinner, so Mom answered the door. Not to worry, Steph still had no idea we were even there. We snuck up behind her and I said, "I heard you were serving beef stew and biscuits tonight - I hope you saved us some!" She was SO excited, she jumped out of her chair, nearly knocking it over, just to give us hugs! It was great :) Then, the very best thing ever happened: my kitty, Jules, came running out from the bedroom and straight to me and jumped up for me to hold him! He purred and loved on me and didn't want me to put him down! He hasn't done that since he was a kitten and he's 4 years old now!! Almost made me want to cry! My kitty missed me too :) My other kitty, Milkman, was mad at me for the first several hours, but ended up sleeping with me most of the time we were there.
On Thursday, Stephanie was off work so we took her around town and did some Christmas shopping and met Mom for lunch. We met my grandpa, Pat, and my best friend, Brittney and her husband, Corey for dinner that night at BD's Mongolian BBQ - one of our favorite Indy restaurants!! Perry remembered it from our last trip up and asked if we could go again, so of course we did! On Friday, Chuck was off work, so we took Steph to work then spent the day Christmas shopping with him. We went to Fry's electronic store first and spent almost an hour and a half - sure wish we had one of those down here! Mom's company Christmas party was Friday night, so they went to that and Perry and I went to Monical's pizza for dinner with Brittney and Corey before having to pick Steph up from work. Saturday was lots of fun! After we took Steph to work, Mom, Chuck, Perry and I went to Circle Center Mall and several other small places before picking Steph up. We met Aunt Deb and soon-to-be Uncle Joe at the Indianapolis Zoo that evening for Christmas at the Zoo then all went to dinner at Jockamo's Pizza. (We ate a lot of pizza over the weekend!) Perry said that Jockamo's was the best pizza he'd ever had!! Sunday was our lazy day. Since I didn't have to be at work until 1pm Monday and Perry didn't work until midnight, we were in no hurry to pack up and leave. We hung out and watched the Colts game on TV...well, Perry and Chuck did while Mom and I finished up some shopping :) We left around 5:30-6pm and made it home around 2am.
The only day the weather was an issue was Thursday when it was 19!! And with the wind, it was viciously cold! It sort of snowed once, but not really enough to do anything but barely cover the ground.
Mom got me a new digital camera for Christmas and we opened presents Friday night so I would have the camera for the zoo on Saturday. As soon as we can figure out how to hook up the camera to the computer, I will load some of the pictures I took.
Long weekend - great fun!! So very very tired now, so I guess I'll try to get some sleep.
Thanks for everything, Mom and Chuck and Steph! We love you so very much xoxoxoxoxox
On Thursday, Stephanie was off work so we took her around town and did some Christmas shopping and met Mom for lunch. We met my grandpa, Pat, and my best friend, Brittney and her husband, Corey for dinner that night at BD's Mongolian BBQ - one of our favorite Indy restaurants!! Perry remembered it from our last trip up and asked if we could go again, so of course we did! On Friday, Chuck was off work, so we took Steph to work then spent the day Christmas shopping with him. We went to Fry's electronic store first and spent almost an hour and a half - sure wish we had one of those down here! Mom's company Christmas party was Friday night, so they went to that and Perry and I went to Monical's pizza for dinner with Brittney and Corey before having to pick Steph up from work. Saturday was lots of fun! After we took Steph to work, Mom, Chuck, Perry and I went to Circle Center Mall and several other small places before picking Steph up. We met Aunt Deb and soon-to-be Uncle Joe at the Indianapolis Zoo that evening for Christmas at the Zoo then all went to dinner at Jockamo's Pizza. (We ate a lot of pizza over the weekend!) Perry said that Jockamo's was the best pizza he'd ever had!! Sunday was our lazy day. Since I didn't have to be at work until 1pm Monday and Perry didn't work until midnight, we were in no hurry to pack up and leave. We hung out and watched the Colts game on TV...well, Perry and Chuck did while Mom and I finished up some shopping :) We left around 5:30-6pm and made it home around 2am.
The only day the weather was an issue was Thursday when it was 19!! And with the wind, it was viciously cold! It sort of snowed once, but not really enough to do anything but barely cover the ground.
Mom got me a new digital camera for Christmas and we opened presents Friday night so I would have the camera for the zoo on Saturday. As soon as we can figure out how to hook up the camera to the computer, I will load some of the pictures I took.
Long weekend - great fun!! So very very tired now, so I guess I'll try to get some sleep.
Thanks for everything, Mom and Chuck and Steph! We love you so very much xoxoxoxoxox
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Holiday
This time of the year is so magical and yet strange. How is it that once a year, in the month of December, everyone's best AND worst features seem to show? You have the people who are EXTRA sweet and nice and giving and you have the shopper's with the holiday rage who fight and even kill each other over gifts!! Having two jobs during this time of the year helps remind me of the daily nonsense during this time of the year. What to buy for so-and-so, who to visit and when, what if I spend too much, what if I don't spend enough?? So many questions and problems seem to circle a very crucial part of the year to a Christian. This is our time of the year to show all non-believers, and believers alike, just what this holiday season really means.
This is the time of year where everyone sits back and "reflects" on a year gone by. We judge ourselves on the proverbial "naughty and nice" list and think of all the wonderful and evil things we can do/have done, etc. The greed in us thinks: What will I get from everyone else? The gracious in us thinks: What can I get for everyone else? Truly, it is the season to ponder the truth: God gave His Son, Jesus Christ for us. He sacrificed himself so that we can be saved. What greater gift is there? None that I can see! Monetary, tangible things are petty to me when I think of the love and life that was sacrificed so that I may live! Now, the flesh-side of me still "wants" earthly things, but knowing in the end that the greatest gift ever has already been given to me - eternal life - what more could I ever ask for?
This is the time of year where everyone sits back and "reflects" on a year gone by. We judge ourselves on the proverbial "naughty and nice" list and think of all the wonderful and evil things we can do/have done, etc. The greed in us thinks: What will I get from everyone else? The gracious in us thinks: What can I get for everyone else? Truly, it is the season to ponder the truth: God gave His Son, Jesus Christ for us. He sacrificed himself so that we can be saved. What greater gift is there? None that I can see! Monetary, tangible things are petty to me when I think of the love and life that was sacrificed so that I may live! Now, the flesh-side of me still "wants" earthly things, but knowing in the end that the greatest gift ever has already been given to me - eternal life - what more could I ever ask for?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Reading
While I was reading my brother-in-laws blog tonight, I am reminded of several things. First of all how great it is to be in love! To be so deep in love and know that the one that you love loves you so deeply in return, it is such a magical feeling. Also, the butterfly-feeling in your stomach each time you see that special someone smile, or say your name the way they do, or hold you so tightly you never want them to let go, or so many other little feelings that give us that attraction to each other. So sweet :)
Secondly, I am reminded just how much I love my family. Both my blood family and my in-laws. Even though I really don't get to see much of either side except for his grandparents that we currently live with and his aunt and cousin that live right around the corner, I still love them all. My mom, Sandy, step-dad, Chuck, sister, Stephanie, dad Ray, step-mom, Linda, step-sister, Jaime with her soon-to-be baby boy are just my closest family. Then my in-laws Don and Grace, and Bobby and Jonathan are wonderful too. And my most fantastically amazing and wonderful God-fearing man of a husband, Perry - how very truly blessed I am to be married to such a man! I definitely consider my pets part of my family - they are the only babies I have for now :) My mini Schnauzer, Lil Bit and my amazing kitties Jules and Milkman. Because of our housing situation right now, my mom is taking care of my kitties for me and I miss them terribly!!! Thanks for helping out so very very much, Mom!! I love you! Until I can fully figure out this blogging thing, check out my Facebook page for pictures of everybody.
I was really frustrated earlier today by several little nonsense things, but when I got home and got to spend time with my husband and pup and read bro's blog, everything melted. All the frustrations of the day are gone and nothing but warm fuzzies remain :)
Until next time...love, hugs & kisses to all!! And to all a Good Night!
Secondly, I am reminded just how much I love my family. Both my blood family and my in-laws. Even though I really don't get to see much of either side except for his grandparents that we currently live with and his aunt and cousin that live right around the corner, I still love them all. My mom, Sandy, step-dad, Chuck, sister, Stephanie, dad Ray, step-mom, Linda, step-sister, Jaime with her soon-to-be baby boy are just my closest family. Then my in-laws Don and Grace, and Bobby and Jonathan are wonderful too. And my most fantastically amazing and wonderful God-fearing man of a husband, Perry - how very truly blessed I am to be married to such a man! I definitely consider my pets part of my family - they are the only babies I have for now :) My mini Schnauzer, Lil Bit and my amazing kitties Jules and Milkman. Because of our housing situation right now, my mom is taking care of my kitties for me and I miss them terribly!!! Thanks for helping out so very very much, Mom!! I love you! Until I can fully figure out this blogging thing, check out my Facebook page for pictures of everybody.
I was really frustrated earlier today by several little nonsense things, but when I got home and got to spend time with my husband and pup and read bro's blog, everything melted. All the frustrations of the day are gone and nothing but warm fuzzies remain :)
Until next time...love, hugs & kisses to all!! And to all a Good Night!
Monday, November 30, 2009
First Blog
Hey there! Welcome to the Crabtree family blog. I'm new to this "blogging" thing, so we'll make the first one short and sweet until I can figure out more of how to work this stuff :)
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Perry's grandparents, aunt and cousin last week. Aunt Lela is an excellent cook! I'm looking forward to Christmas breakfast at her house again this year as well :) I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well and remember exactly what Thanksgiving is all about. It's not just the turkey and stuffing and other yummy dishes, but it's spending time with family and friends and telling them how truly thankful you are for them and what a blessing they are to you. I am very thankful for each member of my family and all of my beloved friends and am truly blessed with such a wonderful life. We heard a most wonderful sermon at church (http://www.libertychurch.cc/) yesterday about giving thanks and being thankful. Thank you, Pastor Tommy Davis, for such an awesome message.
I will post more when I have time - as for now, I have to get ready for work. Have a wonderful Monday afternoon!
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Perry's grandparents, aunt and cousin last week. Aunt Lela is an excellent cook! I'm looking forward to Christmas breakfast at her house again this year as well :) I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well and remember exactly what Thanksgiving is all about. It's not just the turkey and stuffing and other yummy dishes, but it's spending time with family and friends and telling them how truly thankful you are for them and what a blessing they are to you. I am very thankful for each member of my family and all of my beloved friends and am truly blessed with such a wonderful life. We heard a most wonderful sermon at church (http://www.libertychurch.cc/) yesterday about giving thanks and being thankful. Thank you, Pastor Tommy Davis, for such an awesome message.
I will post more when I have time - as for now, I have to get ready for work. Have a wonderful Monday afternoon!
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